Please help me … I have been kidnapped and am being held in a remote location in France. My kidnapper’s ransom demands will follow at the end of the blog. Here is my statement for the French police.
After crossing the Col du Pillon, I cycled out of the Alps via the beautiful lakeside Swiss town of Thun with its trendy waterfront cafes and turreted castles. The excellent system of Swiss bicycle trails then whisked me along the course of the River Aare, whose fast-flowing, broiling waters took me by pretty little villages of wooden houses and through deep forests of tall pines. In most Swiss villages you will find a water fountain of some description which is always great for topping up your water bottles or retouching your hair which is usually matted like felt after several hot hours under a helmet. In the village of Wolfwil I was charmed by a dozen water fountains, all of a different design – on one you had to turn a handle to make the water come out of a dragon’s mouth and another was powered by a waterwheel. A local man told me that the water here comes from deep underground and gives you great strength. I would need strength for the drama that lay ahead.
An easy climb in the rain took me north from the River Aare and over forested hills to join one of Europe’s great rivers, the mighty Rhine. It had been my plan to follow the course of the Rhine north to Rotterdam to catch a boat home and so I cycled on through Basel and picked up a beautiful cycle path along a quiet canal close to the river. I cycled passed a system of huge locks on the river that allow the long, squat cargo boats to pass the hydroelectric dams. It was here that I met trouble. On the opposite side of the canal, parked in a picnic spot, I spotted a large white van, with two high windows, a satellite dish and a good-looking Belgian man. I went over for a closer look but before I knew what had happened, my kidnapper used his charms to entice me into the van and I was driven hundreds of miles back to the Alps. My kidnapper is now forcing me every day to do terrible things … things such as … climbing high mountains covered with spring flowers, cycling up impossibly steep cols and whizzing down the other side, eating delicious homemade bolognaise, drinking glasses of wine as the sun dips behind the peaks and snuggling under a warm duvet each night, reliving the memories of the day. It is a living hell!
I ask my family and friends not to be concerned as I am sure I will be released soon. But please, please send my kidnapper’s ransom demands as soon as possible … a large bag of fun-size Snickers and two Belgian beers.
Photos of my ordeal on Flickr.